Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Parenting Without Conflict III
Today we practiced some active listening and using "I" statements to make polite request of the other parent. Again, I felt a little lost because so much of the conversation centered on the separation and divorce, but I took the opportunity after class to discuss it with the counselors. It's frustrating because I know they have to communicate in a way as to not alienate any of the parents and put them on the defensive to the point where they can't really absorb the information being provided. One of the counselors indicated that some married couples did experience the resentment of the pregnancy all together, but I'm not convinced it's nearly as big of an issue, maybe I'm wrong.
Anyway, I would say I got the least out of this workshop than any other because I am so starting to shut down. I think part of the reason may be the ridiculous contempt hearing I have tomorrow morning. Our home work is to prepare three "I" structured statements that are polite requests to correct something we see as a problem in our co-parenting relationship. This will be especially difficult because I feel more like preparing thirty.
I'm sorry this is all I had to say about today's workshop. I guess to make up for the lack of content, I'll post the listing of "Loyalty Binds" that were given to us as soon as I have time. As always, please check back often if you are interested in this topic.
Ways I create a Loyalty Bind for My Child
• I make negative comments about the other parent
• I use negative body language or tone when referring to my child’s other parent
• I allow relatives or friends to make negative comments when my child can overhear
• I ignore my child’s presence while arguing with the other parent
• I discuss the character defects of the other parent when my child can overhear. This includes sharing information that will cause my child to see their other parent in a negative light, telling about an affair or a drug problem, for example. (even if it is true, truth is not the issue, good parenting is).
• I stress to my children how much I miss them when they are with their other parent.
• I ask my child questions about the visit with the other parent. I also ask questions about the parent, their relatives or someone my child cares for.
• I say negative things about someone my child cares for.
• I discuss child support or the lack of money with my child
• I discuss legal or other adult information with my child.
• I ask my child to do things that might feel like spying
• I ask my child to keep secrets
• I blame the other parent for our divorce or any other circumstances.
• I refuse to allow the other parent to step into our home. I will not let my child bring his other parent in our home to see his room or into the backyard to see the new swing set
• At our child’s activities, I refuse to sit on the same row with the other parent.
• I refuse to let my child take important items to her other home to show her other parent
• I imply that I am the better parent
• I make my child think I am a victim because of the actions of the other parent.
• I send child support checks, letters or verbal messages through my child.
• I make my child feel responsible for my emotional needs. I let my child take care of me.
• I imply that my child is not safe in some way when she is with the other parent.
• I refuse to let my child sit with his other parent at joint activities when he has come with me to the activity.
• I block my child’s contact with the other parent (phone calls, visits, etc) or use screening methods to avoid their calls.
• I remind my child that they can choose to live with me when they reach the legal age.
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