Los Angeles Custody Evaluation

The advantage of going to the make-up session without my co-parent was the ability to 1) Share breifly how things had changes since attending the workshop and 2) Discuss things I would have been too uncomfortable to discuss while my co-parent was present. On the flip side it was discouraging because there sat another six or seven ADULT couples dealing with the very same issues and I just wonder why this is so hard. It was like "same families, different names". The issues were so similiar it was almost erie.

Anyway, I did get to bring up the issue of step parent interference which was almost like a taboo subject in the class (at least to me) because it's such a hot button issue with my co-parent and his wife. Also, I was able to comfortably comment on other people's issues based on what I had learned previously. That may have been a good or bad thing to the moderators, but to me, it was kind of nice to lend support and encouragement to others, even though my own case still drags on.

All and all, I give the course a 7 out of 10. Starting with a 10 based on the need for the advice being offered and the likelyhood that, given the participation of both parents, using the techniques and tools given in the class would improve the co-parent relationship, I offer deductions for the following reasons.

1. At the end of the course, they didn't collect feedback from us. Even if 90% of the recommendations are not implementable, that 10% could improve the condition of children of two homes.

2. The class being scheduled during work hours could be catastrophic for some families. As important as this counseling is, it could be used against a partner or ex if the other party knows they are paid hourly (and thus have to take a reduction in pay to attend) or if they are already missing significant work for court, which was the case for me. Offering these courses within the neighborhood where people live, in neighborhood churches or schools, possibly choices during the weekend would be very helpful to some. Also, even though the courses ran well after school and BOTH parents were required to attend together, no childcare was provided. That was a real hardship.

3. I think there really should be some seperation of parents who were never married and those who are divorced - or at a minimum, recognition of the different issues that face those of use trying to raise "booty call babies" with a person who's still dealing with the resentment of parenting at all. True all the issues that need to be address are only scratched on the surface in this six week course, but still, on many, many occasions, I found that I was a "deer in headlights" as they spoke about issues surrounding loss of marriage and divorce and this didn't apply to me.

Still, even though I had been through most of the content of the course on my own through other counseling and reading, the effort of the court in providing this workshop is a positive effort and one I believe will benefit some families.

This session started with me and my co-parent. The first thing in each session was always "are there any co-parent crisis"? I thought the fact that we had been in court on contempt charges the previous week was a crisis given the details of the case, so I raised the issue. We discussed it and still, I was amazed at how the moderators of the session really seemed to be endlessly optimistic.

Well, the theme of this session was to read one of our three "Polite Request" to each other and finally put in writing how we would each change OURSELF to improve the co-parent relationship. I chose the request which I asked him to return our daughter home on Sunday night instead of taking her to school on Monday morning because I was concerned about the commute time and the school's carpool requirements. His response was to take her to carpool which was upsetting for me because while it meets the carpool requirements, it increases her comute by about 1/2 hour AND she has to arrive about 1/2 earlier at carpool dropoff than she would to school so this is increasing her comute by 1 hour. I was really unhappy with that solution.

He chose to politely request that I allow him to take our daughter on out of state vacations when he requested. This was very difficult for me because I have NEVER denied him taking her on an out of state vacation. I did deny an out of the COUNTRY one and considering this was a country which is not party to the hague convention (a treaty between countries' government to assist in the return abducted children) I said no. I assume he was not happy with my response either because my answer was 1) I can't comment on this out of state issue because you have twice asked to take her out of state and I have twice said yes. As for the out of the country issues, it would be on a case by case basis depending on what I believe is best for our daughter at the time. You can read more about the Jamaica trip request in the August postings for this blog. I put some of the real letters from the attorney here.

That was basically it. In my statement as to what I would change about myself, I truthfully stated that I really didn't know what he wanted from me (which I truly don't) and that I would try my best to keep the lines of communication open when he was ready to discuss them with me.

As promised, I was assured by one of the group counselors that I could re-produce the material from the class, so as soon as I can either scan or re-type it, I will post if for those interested.

There will be one more post to this blog on the Parenting Without Conflict workshop which will address my makeup session from week two.